Wardrobe Malfunction

No, my breast wasn't exposed by Justin Timberlake - he hasn't been around for awhile. Justin - if you're reading - call me.

This one is about my hat. My toque, as I have been calling it; I like the Canadian ring to the word "toque". Hat can mean so many things, but a toque can only be a toque. And mine, borrowed from Tony, is a Rangers toque. It's much tougher than I am.

When I leave the house, with my toque pulled snugly down over my ears, I feel warm and cozy. During my goofy warm up walk, everything is good, ears protected, forehead nice and dry (since it is usually raining or snowing - miracle of miracles it is sunny and around two degrees today). The problem starts when I "run". With every step I take, my toque starts to climb my head. My ears get uncovered, and I can feel an unbecoming puffing up of the toque on the top of my head. You know, between the outdated wardrobe, the inappropriate footwear, the weather, and the constant battle with my munchy bum, you'd think I didn't need this hat problem. And I don't get it - why does it happen?

Does my head swell when I start running? Does the increased heart rate shake my skin so much that it pounds my hat off? When I pound the pavement, do little puffs of air push the hat off my head? Do I "run" so fast that it blows my hat off? Does the toque hate the "running" part so much that it is trying to escape? Whatever the reason, it makes me crazy. If anyone knows the cause of this phenomenon, please let me know. It would be most helpful.

My "run" was good today. I added a little side street that made it exactly the right length. I had been having to run past my street and then backtrack in order to fulfill my contractual obligations with regards to number of minutes of running. Something about backtracking is just so unappealing, so I am glad that little road is in my route now. It altered things a bit though, so that two of the five runs are basically completely uphill. But, I am getting used to plodding, so that's just fine with me. And my toque.

A post in real time - strange things are a happenin'

Most of my posts actually did not happen the day I posted. I really want to record the whole story, and didn't start blogging right away. The result is that I have "blog time" and "real time". A bit of clarification then:

1. All "running" posts happen in blog time.


2. Food posts happen in real time, unless they are incorporated into a running post, in which the above takes precedence.


3. The sidebar is in real time, with the exception of the money. It was too confusing for Rob, so it will be updated in blog time.


4. Real time is currently about three weeks ahead of blog time.

According to section 1 of the Act governing this blog, this post should wait. Or at least half of this post should wait, since half pertains to food, and half pertains to running. So, I must add a fifth section to keep order here:

5. The writer of this blog may do whatever the hell she damn well pleases, no matter how confusing it is the readers of this blog.

The happenings of yesterday, while unfortunate, show that this project is now officially affecting my brain.

Here's my first story. Since I can't eat cookies, I have not been offering them to the kids at all. I bravely drive my cart past the cookie aisle at the grocery store. The last bag of Quattro cookies is safely closed, and stored in the garage. When the bag is closed, the voice of the cookies is muffled, and much easier to tune out. The four batches of chocolate chip cookie dough are still in the freezer. A couple of days ago, I took a batch out to cook for the kids. As it thawed, its voice thawed with it. And the dough started calling to me. "Cathy" in a whisper. "Cathy, don't you love me any more?" a bit louder. As soon as I realized what was happening, I stuffed it back in the freezer, and as the freezer-caused laryngitis developed, it elimated their pull.

Yesterday, I decided I would tough it out. I thawed the dough, the girls got them in the pan, and I baked them. I took them off the pan, served them up, and didn't even eat the teeniest crumb. As a matter of fact, Dexter is sitting on my lap rignt now, eating one. It wasn't even that hard (although I did ask Tony to put them somewhere, in case they started calling again. I was hoping he would put them somewhere sneaky, so it would be hard for me to find them, even if they did call, but I don't really think the cookie jar is sneaky, do you?)

The second bit of weirdness is the running. It is very hard for me to get out as much as I want. Tony has two days off, but on one of them I have a fitness class, so I don't run. The other day is my only guaranteed easy time to run. A couple of times I have thought I could run after one of his "short" days - when he is done at six, and it hasn't worked out. Last night was a short day, and I was feeling unmotivated, it was rainy, but Tony pumped me up, and gave me the motivation I needed to get out there. But here is what happened.

6:45 Tony should be home soon, so I get the kids in the bath, so he can just finish them up, and I can get them to sleep before Survivor, the highlight of my TV watching week, starts. Get my running duds on.
7:10 Get Bailey and Dexter out of the bath, start the grooming process.
7:30 Get Cam out, send them down to watch TV while I nurse Dexter to sleep.
7:50 Get Cam in bed, start nursing her to sleep. Getting anxious about running, wondering where Tony is.
7:55 Tony comes home
8:10 Cam almost asleep. Dexter wakes up.
8:40 Finally get Dexter back to sleep. While up there, discover that Cam has shit in the tub, and not told me. Leave it, and go back down to Cam, hoping she has fallen asleep. Nope. Tony is reading her a story. Wreck their quiet peaceful mood with my frustration, get back to putting Cam to sleep. Decide that I will miss the first part of Survivor to run.
8:58 Cam asleep. Tony read Bailey her chapter so I could catch the beginning of Survivor.
8:59 Look outside. It is very very dark. It is raining. I am pissed off that I have to make this choice. Decide to put on comfy fat clothes, and eat pizza in front of Survivor instead. Maybe I'll run when the Apprentice starts instead.
9:20 Have eaten three pieces of pizza. Dexter wakes up. Bring him down with me. Proceeds to nurse and sleep fitfully until 11:00, when I take him to bed.

So, it was a crappy night in some ways, but here is the kicker. I really really wanted to get out to run. In fact, I was so pissed off and frustrated that I couldn't, that I was practically in tears. If I was a less controlled person, I would have bawled like a baby. How's that for progress?

I am not so enlightened that I didn't really enjoy my pizza, my flannels, and my Survivor though. Someone better kick me if I get that enlightened.

Promotion - denied.

It's Monday morning, the day I am supposed to get my promotion to running three minutes. I am nervous though, because the boss has called me into her office.

"Good morning, Cathy", she says. "Or, should I say, good afternoon. You haven't even thought about running, yet, have you?"

"Well," I stammer. "It's not really my fault. Tony is working all day, and Nanny is in the hospital. I'm trying."

"Really? You call two runs in 8 days "trying". Look, if you ever want to remove the quotes from around the word running on your blog, you are going to have to get out 3 to 4 times a week. You need to come up with solutions."

"You're right. Do you think the kids would be okay home alone for half an hour?"

She raises her eyebrows at me. "Realistic solutions. Hire a babysitter. Get up in the morning before the kids. You have to figure out how to get what you want."

"I thought I was. I haven't done anything for me in more than six years - I think running even twice a week is huge for me." I am trying to stay calm. The last time I was reamed out by a boss like this was almost four years ago. I won't let her make me cry.

"It is progress. But if you want what you say you want - step it up. Now, look, I know you think you are getting your promotion today. But you haven't earned it. You'll have to stay at two minutes this week. Come see me next week, and we'll talk. That is all."

I start to argue, then think the better of it. I do think she's taking this a tad too seriously, but there's just no point when she's in that kind of mood. I'll run the two minutes again for this week. But, man, I better get promoted next week.

Enter real life.....

It's been five days since I last "ran". But why, Cathy?, I can hear you all asking. You have been doing so amazingly fantastically unpredictably well. Real life is why. Pam was busy with her mom for the first couple of days, and now she has gone home. So, I have to figure out how to fit in running without a live in childcare provider. I knew the day would come, but I didn't think it would be so hard. Hopefully this won't be the derailment of this project. Tony is very supportive, it's just hard squeezing out the time.

So, this was my second day doing the two minute "runs", and it was both good and bad. The theme of today's run is "It was freakin' windy". It was good when the wind was behind me. Then, I just flew along. Of course, that was during the downhill portion of the run - the part I really can manage quite well without the wind, thankyouverymuch. Once I turned up Dorothea (hill from hell), the wind was in my face. And oh. my. goddess. I think I have explained before how I just plod going up hill - and this is the worst hill there is. The force of the wind almost outweighed the force my legs were able to exert. Plodding would be an exaggeration - as a matter of fact, I should probably say I "plodded" up that hill.

In addition to blowing directly into my face, chest, and in one ear and out the other, the wind apparently was blowing straight down as well. I was very heavy today - my legs seemed to weigh much more than normal on my second, third, fourth, and fifth runs. However, I did successfully complete the task, and when I blew back into the house, I was quite pleased with myself.

I also picked up my eating habits this week. I have been eating mostly bread, cookies, a regular supper, and coke for a long time now - although everyone else in my family gets carefully planned and prepared nutritious meals, somehow I fail to extend that courtesy to myself. So, in honour of myself, I have used Dr. Phil's rapid start menu plans as a basis for this week's meal planning, and included a column for myself in the meal plans.

And finally, I have discovered the cure for munchy bum while running. Wear fat underwear. I generally don't, but have three pairs of Fruit of the Loom, really ugly, big underwear. I bought them in a fit of pique early post partum, when I felt about as sexy as those underwear. They didn't creep up at all - not even once. I knew I was saving them for something!

I got a promotion!

Today, instead of run 1 minute, walk 1 minute (6x), I ran 2 minutes, then walked 2-3 minutes (5x). The pressing question is, of course, was it twice as hard?

The answer, happily, is no! And I think there are two reasons why:

1. My wardrobe change. A few months back, I picked up a pair of leggings at a thrift store. I used to love wearing leggings with a long sweater - I have good legs, so it showed my assets to their best advantage. I was thrilled to find them, and I just couldn't understand why they were only $1 - didn't everybody want to wear leggings? You just can't find them any more! However, the first time I wore them out in public, I could tell I was just screaming "I wish it were still the '90s!!!". Since I am trying really hard to learn how to dress more fashionably - I take this course once a week - I resolutely stuffed them to the back of my cupboard.
   
   Now, when I see people running, I always evaluate what they are wearing, preparing for the inevitable day when I will update my wardrobe. You can imagine how excited I was when I noticed a few women wearing running tights - which look just like leggings! I ran to my cupboard, freed the leggings (I mean running tights), and voila - a new, more aerodynamic look. Look better, feel better, run faster.
   


2. I didn't run twice as far. I was so happy that it wasn't twice as hard - but when I did the math I realized: I was out for a total of 26 minutes, instead of 17 - a gain of 9 minutes. I ran for a total of 10 minutes - a gain of 4 minutes. Working the percentages, it should have been about 67% harder, not 100% harder. And that sounds just about right.

A little less chocolate, a lot more fat.....

So here are last week's indulgences. You can see a pattern, can't you? The challenge from Julia came right after I made chocolate chip cookies. I did not consume any chocolate, cookies or real Coke after that day. Yeah me! I did, however switch to fatty foods. Wings. Pizza. KFC. Somebody better talk to my food pleasure centre - it just won't give up! Coincidentally, I am still not losing weight. So somebody better talk to my weight loss centre, 'cause it's going to get a beatin' if it doesn't step up soon. Hmmmm... maybe my weight loss centre should beat up my food pleasure centre.......

• 18 chocolate creme cookies


• 3 glasses of Coke


• 6 chocolate chip cookies


• 2 tablespoons cookie dough


• late night chicken wings


• late night pizza (homemade)


• KFC - chicken, fries, gravy, coleslaw


• 1 piece white birthday cake


• 2 pieces fairy gingerbread with whipped cream

And Julia, congratulations on one week without popcorn. You have saved yourself more than 1650 calories and 93 grams of fat. Plus your nasty butter habit.

A Mother's role at Easter...

is to give her children chocolate, which makes them happy. Then, once they are out of sight, she is to slowly pick at their chocolate, thereby protecting her children from overconsumption of chocolate.

Due to a challenge I am currently doing my best to meet, I can't do this. AND IT's KILLING ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!