WARNING: This post refers to parts of the female anatomy which cannot be shown at Superbowl Halftime. It is intended for mature readers only.

In detailing the clothes I put on for my first run, I forgot the very most important garment of all. Julia's comment reminded me. It is of course, the sports bra.

Normal women need sports bras. I need a suit of armor. In an F cup. If there is anything that will keep me from running, it is the Breasts. The Breasts must be controlled. Under normal circumstances, in a normal (read: nursing) bra, if I have to run or jog for a few steps - like say if one of my children is running away from me, something that happens all too often - I have to do the cross, squeeze and run. Or, if I am comfortable with the people around me, I just do the grab and run.

The cross, squeeze and run, for you smaller breasted women who are lucky enough to not know what I am talking about (all you large breasted women can stop nodding in sympathy and just feel free to skip to the next paragraph), is when you cross your arms over your chest, pull them in tight, and then run, with the Breasts now under control. I don't know what it is about the sensation of the Breasts rising up to your chin and then flopping down on your belly button, but it just irritates the crap out of me. The grab and run, which can only be done around people who know you (since you look foolish, but kind of sexy, instead of just plain foolish) is when you just grab onto a breast with each hand, and run.

Obviously neither of these techniques is appropriate for more than a few steps. Enter the sports bra. In my LBK (life before kids), I tried all of your regular department store type sports bras, and was sadly disappointed. I eventually ended up at a specialty store, where I bought the sports bra for women with my condition. I spent enough to buy a small car.

Now, this was LBK remember. In my LAK (you with me?), the Breasts have migrated south, stretched, and grown. So the question was, would this bra still hold the girls down? Would it be adequate for the "running" I was about to take on? Can you bear the suspense? The answer, I am pleased to say, is a definite yes. In fact, because the Breasts have actually grown, it kind of works better. They are so squished down in there, that they don't move. At all. This is quite impressive 'cause I'll tell ya - I have big breasts. You know that pencil test? In case you aren't familiar, the following taken from here will fill you in....

"One simple way to determine whether your breasts may be in need of a lift is the pencil test. To perform this test, simply stand upright in front of a mirror with your shoulders back in a proper posture position. Without a bra on, take a pencil and slide it into the under crease of your breast. When you stand up straight does the pencil stay in place under your breast? If so, you may be a candidate for a breast lift."

Well, I have yet to find a small object that won't fall out from under there - up to and including my TV remote. If you don't believe me, I'm taking challenges.

So, I've got the Breasts covered. As to the underwear, well - don't worry. You will be hearing plenty about my underwear as this story unfolds.